Leftover Chinese takeaway (for breakfast)
Banana smoothie
Sea Salted popcorn (for lunch)
2 mini doughnuts
Half a marzipan chocolate bar
1 packet crisps
Half a can of chickpeas
1 miniature bottle red wine
That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am in the middle of yet another essay-writing/procrastination-crisis. Only this one is unlike any of the others before it, for this one is an epic, 15,000-word full-on Dissertation Crisis. If I thought being cooped up in my room for 3 straight days on a 6000-word law essay bender was bad, I found myself completely unprepared for the hostage situation that is my dissertation. I (and many of my coursemates) have found myself teetering on the brink of insanity for weeks now as I waffle between wanting to get my thesis done SO BAD that I just word-vomit whatever comes into my mind, and being so completely overwhelmed that I stare at a blank Word document for hours on end in the middle of the Institute of Advanced Legal Studies library while other, more competent, students around me type away breezily on their laptops. (Dear More Competent Students: I hate you.)
This delusion slash denial manifests itself in odd ways, sometimes popping up in the form of maniacal procrastinatory shopping sprees (WHOOPS), and other times making itself known through spurious and superfluous (KA-CHINGGGG, two 50-cent words in one sentence!) email exchanges like the one below, between myself and a (freaking hilarious) coursemate:
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From: Jocelyn James [in response to a job posting sent out for which I did not qualify]
Sent: Tue 17/08/2010 13:49
To: Deniz Ugur
Subject: RE:
i like that you have to be a national of a commonwealth country... how rude... they are just angry because america threw off the shackles of commonwealth-osity... xxxxxxxxxxxxx
ps i miss you
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From: Deniz Ugur
Sent: Tue 8/17/2010 2:03 PM
To: Jocelyn James
Subject: RE:
they are! I have the EXACT conversation with my boss/the queen everyday. I tell them that its about time they got over it, and that its a stoopid redundant term anyway... and thats why i probably ain't getting my contract extended. Cool.
Hows it going anyway love?
I'm at work today and have somehow managed not to do a single stitch of work! i'm sort of proud..?!
I got my dissertation bound last week, it went down a storm in the academic circles field so i'm just in talks with Penguin publishing house who want to turn it into a collection of short stories on hate speech.
p(loppy)s(hit) - i miss you tooooooooo!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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From: Jocelyn James
Sent: Wed 18/08/2010 00:51
To: Deniz Ugur
Subject: RE:
so glad to hear you've got your dissertation done and dusted. when i heard you hadn't finished it by last month i was beginning to panic on your behalf.
i of course had mine done before the course even started. as a matter of fact, i came out of the womb with a tiny dissertation in my hand, and i've just been expounding upon it in the intervening years. i'm just waiting to hand it in til they invent the exact proper paper on which to print it... i'm thinking something eco-friendly, pink, and lightly scented, possibly with small sustainably-mined gold flecks in. plans are in the works by 2 leading paper companies and i'm just waiting to see which finished product i prefer.
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From: Deniz Ugur
Sent: Wed 8/18/2010 10:09 AM
To: Jocelyn James
Subject: RE:
I was up till 3 in the morn watching shows about fat brides and now at work... meant to be writing stuff about human rights in zambia but all i can see is very very very large women in wedding dresses weeping. and it just doesn't feel right..
hugsssssssssssssss!!! xxx
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That's right, I/we have now resorted to delusional projections of camaraderie with royalty, fabricated ramblings about early dissertation completion, and voyeuristic reality TV show viewing in an attempt keep the sheer terror of our September 3rd hand-in date at bay. So to all of you out there who find yourselves occasionally thinking, 'Hm, a Masters degree might be a fun way to pass the next year/two years/three years of my life', please consider yourselves warned. Unless you are prepared to get up close and personal with all kinds of your own crazy, cherish that Bachelors degree/high school diploma/GED/adult learning certificate as though it were your own offspring and consider the fact that although you may not be able to put 'Masters Degree' under the 'Education' portion of your CV, you will most likely be able to truthfully put 'clinically sane' under 'Qualifications.'
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That's right, I/we have now resorted to delusional projections of camaraderie with royalty, fabricated ramblings about early dissertation completion, and voyeuristic reality TV show viewing in an attempt keep the sheer terror of our September 3rd hand-in date at bay. So to all of you out there who find yourselves occasionally thinking, 'Hm, a Masters degree might be a fun way to pass the next year/two years/three years of my life', please consider yourselves warned. Unless you are prepared to get up close and personal with all kinds of your own crazy, cherish that Bachelors degree/high school diploma/GED/adult learning certificate as though it were your own offspring and consider the fact that although you may not be able to put 'Masters Degree' under the 'Education' portion of your CV, you will most likely be able to truthfully put 'clinically sane' under 'Qualifications.'
