Somebody needs to tell the British...

...to stop being so G-D polite. Because it is making it *way* too hard for me to figure out what people are thinking. And by 'people' yes I mean boys. See, in America, if a guy doesn't want to see you, or isn't interested in you, he will simply IGNORE YOU. I used to think this was annoying. I used to do the typical "ohhhh, why hasn't he called meee," the whole tragic waiting-by-the-phone scenario, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, and of course it used to bug the crap out of me. UNTIL, that is, I moved here and realized that at least when a guy just doesn't call, you KNOW he's 'just not that into you.' There is very little decoding to be done aside from "Do you think he isn't calling because my hair was flat that night, or because I sang Little Mermaid at the top of my lungs in the bar?" And so after a few days go by, you delete his number from your phone and you stop waiting for the call that isn't coming.

Not so the British!! The British are faaaaar too polite to just NOT CALL. That would be positively appalling. The Queen might get word of it and rescind her invitation to tea! (P.S. Queen, if you're reading this, I'm slightly offended that I haven't received my invitation yet-- for heaven's sake I've been in the country for six months!) Anyway, British boys feel the need to text you/call you/say polite things to you even when they wish you'd bugger off to Australia (or in my case, they're probably just praying for my extradition back to America).

Example 1: A couple of months ago, I met a lovely fellow (let's call him Shmyla) with whom I was quite taken. I figured I had nothing to lose (pride? dignity? what are those?), so I got his number and gave him a call. He didn't answer, so I left a nice little voice mail. NOW. In America, the uninterested party would get the voicemail, think to themselves "Oh crap I've got another psycho on my hands," delete said voicemail, and not return the call. But in ENGLAND, I don't even KNOW what they think to themselves because what happens is they return the call, leave a message containing some vague reference to being a bit busy at the mo, but so as not to appear rude they tell you to GIVE THEM A CALL BACK. For an American, that is Mixed Message Central. It's like-- on the one hand, you're being given the typical 'oh sorry so busy' line, but then just when you're about to give up hope, they throw out the 'oh but give me a call back to chat!' line and resurrect your hope-osity. And when you DO call them back, they tell you the same thing they told you on the voice mail: that they are ever so busy and couldn't possibly squeeze you in. At this point you FINALLY realize you're being turned down, but you wonder WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH they didn't just let you realize that a LONG-ASS TIME AGO by ignoring your call?? Or-- and this one is REALLY crazy-- just SAYING SO??

Example 2: And you thought I'd just have one rejection story! How sweet. So this time I meet a friend of a friend (let's call him Shmalex), we are all getting drinks and having a grand old time, and Shmalex and I are having a bit of a flirt. Shmalex seems quite interested, until it is time to go home and he doesn't even OFFER to walk me back to make sure I don't die along the way (WHERE WAS YOUR PRECIOUS POLITENESS THEN HMMM??? the Queen would be so disappointed.) Anyway, the next day I get a text which says the following:
"I'm pretty booked for a while now-- but yeah after I'm done it would be nice to meet up... Kind regards, Shmalex."
Yep, Shmalex signed off his text with 'Kind regards.' ARE WE WRITING A CV?? Carrie from Sex and the City once said, "My point, Billy, is that there is a good way to break up with someone, and it doesn't include a Post-It." So let me just say, "My point, Males of Britain, is that there is a right way to tell someone you're not interested, and signing off with 'Kind Regards' is not one of them." Nor is saying yes, maybe when you mean a big fat NO.

And yes, I wrote this post instead of writing the 3000-word essay on Iraqi genocide that is due tomorrow... You've got to have your priorities!! :)