Complaint letter to Odeon Cinemas (feel free to use as a template)

Because I'm so proud of how it turned out, I've decided I should share with the world the complaint letter I've just sent off to Odeon Cinemas. I do believe I have managed to seamlessly blend the traditional complaint letter with just a touch of comedy gold. If I do say so myself.

Dear Madam or Sir,

On Sunday, the 3rd June, I attended the 17:45 showing of Snow White and the Huntsman at the Camden cinema. Whilst the lobby and snack/concession area all seemed to be of normal temperature, the cinema in which our film was shown (Screen 3) was absolutely freezing.

I attended this film with 3 other friends, and at various points in the movie (once before it started and three times during the film itself), each one of us got up to complain to Odeon employees about the cold temperature and to request that the heat be turned up or the AC be turned down.

Unfortunately, the temperature remained uncomfortably cold throughout the film. It was not until the fourth request (about 10 minutes before the end of the film) that the temperature began to improve slightly and I was able to emerge from the nest of jumpers and scarves under which I had (unsuccessfully) attempted to warm myself.

Immediately after the end of the film, my friends and I complained to the Camden cinema's manager about the lack of response to our requests. Despite 2 other cinema-goers simultaneously confirming the temperature problem in Screen 3, we received no response beyond a compulsory, 'Sorry about that.'

I am sure you can understand how frustrating it is to pay upwards of £10 to see a film, only to have the experience ruined by unpleasant viewing conditions. Kristen Stewart may not be the greatest of actresses, but if I pay good money to see her expressionless face on a giant screen, I expect to be able to do it in relative comfort.

I am sure you can also understand why, a day later, when it came time for me to choose a cinema in which to view Prometheus, I chose Vue in Angel. Their ticket prices may be clinically insane, but at least I didn't turn into a popsicle whilst watching Michael Fassbender and his exquisite jawline robot around in space.

If the Odeon brand expects to retain my custom in these 'interesting' financial times-- when I am extremely careful about how and where I spend my hard-earned money-- I would strongly encourage you to raise not only cinema temperatures, but also the standard of customer service and employee response offered to cinema-goers such as myself.

Yours sincerely,

Ms Jocelyn James

UPDATE: Odeon has responded with an apology, and 4 complimentary tickets for myself and the three friends who were with me on this freezing occasion! Woop woop! Well done, Odeon-- I feel a little Step Up 4: Miami Heat coming on!!

Verdict: Odeon gets an A+ for their response to consumer complaints. I now feel justified in returning my cinema patronage to their company, which is good because Vue charges out the a$$ for tickets!

Fashion Hymn of the Greater Public

or, 'Stop Infringing on Public Decency Laws'

(An ode to a couple of my most favouritest current 'fashions.' Inspired by my mind's eye being scarred forever, and sung to the tune of 'Battle Hymn of the Republic.')

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the sheer tights worn as pants*
The bulges and the panty lines, they had me in a trance
I couldn't tear my eyes away despite my best intents
And now I'm scarred for life

Why oh why do people do this?
Don't they know they're really pants-less?
No one wants to see your bare ass
Please don't insist we do

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the butt-cheeks on parade
Protruding from the hot-pants of the hipsters in AA**
But oh! It's so ironic, right? So that makes it okay!
The hot-pant marches on

Why oh why do people do this?
Don't they know they're really pants-less?
No one wants to see your bare ass
Please don't insist we do
PLEASE DON'T INSIST WE DO.



*The word 'pants' in this context is to be taken in the American sense, that is, trousers.
** 'AA' used here to signifiy American Apparel, not Alcoholics Anonymous.